


Even if They Find Me (I'm Apathy)

by Aimandfire



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dark Sides As Family (Sanders Sides), Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Logic | Logan Sanders as Apathy, Repression, Restraints, Self-Destruction, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, Sympathetic Dark Sides (Sanders Sides)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:14:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23779723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aimandfire/pseuds/Aimandfire
Summary: Logan has been suffering in silence for far too long. He refuses to be a burden on his family or Thomas any longer, so he goes to the dark side to duck out. Unfortunately, or fortunately, Deceit finds him first. Deceit refuses to let him duck out, but he knows he can't force Logan to get help. He can however offer Logan a deal, an opportunity to join the dark sides, to become someone new. But when it goes poorly Deceit is forced to team-up with the light sides to get Logan back.
Comments: 60
Kudos: 187





	1. When I Leave the Light Side

Logan was exhausted, both mentally and physically. He hasn’t slept in days, living on coffee alone. He was completely done. Logan’s hands shook, and he knew he should write a letter to the others. He wasn’t good, didn’t belong with them no matter how much they tried to include him. They would be better off without him, but he should still write a letter explaining what happened to him. He set up a failsafe, his essence in a corked bottle, so Thomas would be alright. The process made him pale, weak, and shaky, but that wouldn’t matter soon.

He stared at a blank piece of paper for five minutes. He hated not knowing what to do or say. Should he write a note? Should he try to explain? He stares at the empty page for five minutes, before his tears fall on the paper, leaving stains on the perfect white sheet.

“Stupid Logan” he berated himself, biting down hard on his hand. It was a technique used to get him to calm down and stop crying. It didn’t work so he bit even harder, and started to taste the metallic tang of blood. He was still crying.

He stood up and started to pace around his room, realizing he was shaking. He hadn't eaten in a few days but knew the shaking was from nerves. He punched his mirror, which shattered into his knuckles. The pain grounded him, and he was even more determined than before.

He was wearing a suit, Logan never did anything halfway. He was planning on ducking out tonight, he’d be dressed for his funeral. Such thoughts are usually reserved for Roman, or the more morbid aspects of Remus. It was one of the many reasons Logan was failing his job as logic. Emotions clouded his judgment. 

He checked outside his door to make sure everyone was asleep. It was three in the morning, so he wasn’t expecting anyone to be awake. The walls were silent besides his footprints, which he made sure to keep quiet. He passed by Patton’s room, feeling his heart tug at the soft blue door covered in drawings, his name spelled out in cardboard and glitter. He trudged onward, passing Romans room. Roman’s door was a bright red, his name etched in a shining steel, all capitals. He felt sorrow as he passed Roman’s door, but didn’t stop.

Coming across Virgil’s door Logan finally did stop. Virgil’s door was completely purple, his name scrawled in sharpie on the door. The only thing unusual was a card made by Patton, taped to the black. It was a crude drawing in crayon with all of them there, and the word famILY written in it. If anyone could help him work through these emotions it would be Virgil. He contemplated knocking on his door but changed his mind. Him staying around and his emotions would only cause distress for Thomas in both the long and short run. He must complete what he’s set out to do.

Logan walked to the door from the dark sides to the light sides. It was a plain wooden door, nothing special about it. He started to hyperventilate but bit his arm hard to calm himself. He double checked that no one was waking up, then opened the door.

The inside was dark, but the dark side’s doors seemed to glow. Remus’s was first, a dark green with his name made out of circular lights. Tentacles were coming out of the door and moving slightly, something Logan found rather off putting. He tip-toed by, not wanting to disturb the tentacles. 

He calmed down at passing Deceit’s door, bright yellow and completely flat with a black ‘D’ written in the middle instead of his name. Logan admired the simplicity, but was hoping to get Deceit’s name at least. He sighed and continued, walking down the stairs to find the path to the subconscious. He knew it was down there, he just didn’t know where. Virgil said he had to head to the dark side before ‘ducking out’ and that’s why he didn’t do it immediately.

The dark side of the mind looked exactly like the light side, just a bit darker and more personalized towards the dark sides. He looked around the living room, but didn’t find any door or closet. He walked to the kitchen, but saw nothing either. Logan heard footsteps behind him and started to panic. 

“Virgil, it  _ hasn't _ been a while. Why  _ aren’t _ you wearing a suit if I may ask.” Deceit voice was silky, but sounded tired. Logan turned quickly to see Deceit wearing snake printed pyjamas. Both sides were surprised at the sight of the other. “You  _ are _ Virgil. Hello Logan, you  _ don’t _ look rather pale and thin. Are you alright? It  _ wouldn’t _ be a shame if Thomas lost you.” Deceit still seemed a bit surprised, but calmed down quickly.

“Sorry to disturb your sleep Deceit, I didn’t plan on waking anyone up. I was just looking for the portal to the subconscious.” Logan told the side, keeping his voice flat.

“True and true. You are aware that there is no portal to the unconscious right? I’m not sure what you were expecting, but one  _ can _ just head into the subconscious and come back. The only way to do so is  _ not  _ by dying in the dark side of the mind. Did Virgil not tell you?” Deceit asked, a bit perplexed. Logan paled slightly, but his resolve didn’t shake. He knew how to end his own life if needed, he just needed Deceit to leave.

“I was not aware.” Logan’s voice cracks and Deceit narrows his eyes.

“Why  _ weren’t _ you searching for a door to the subconscious?” Deceit asked. His voice was even and calm but he pulled out another set of arms and stood up a little straighter.

“I mean you no harm Deceit.” Logan’s voice wavered, yet Deceit seemed unphased.

“True, and I mean you no harm either. However that  _ does _ answer my question. It is three in the morning. You  _ don’t  _ want to hide something from the others. I  _ can’t _ keep a secret.” Deceit’s eyes flashed dangerously as he grinned.

“Nothing sinister, just some research I’d like to conduct.” Logan seemed to forget who he was talking to, as Deceit frowned.

“Lie and a lie. That’s quite concerning. What  _ isn’t  _ more concerning is the fact that you are unaware that your first statement is a lie.” Deceit took a step towards Logan, who took a step back, pinning himself against the wall. Deceit wasn’t deterred, storming towards Logan till they were only a few inches apart. Logan looked away in shame and fear.

“What  _ aren’t _ you planning?” Deceit hissed in a dangerously low tone, leaning over Logan. He was the tallest side, which added to his intimidation factor.

“Thomas won’t come to any harm. That’s all you need to know.” Logan stammered out.

“Lie, lie. What. Are. You. Planning.” Deceit demanded, his snake eye glowing yellow.

“Thomas will be fine! The others will be fine!” Logan yelled, hoping he would just go away. Instead Deceit grabbed his arms, lifted him up, and thrust him against the wall.

“What. Are. You. Planning!” He hissed violently. Logan whimpered but Deceit was undeterred. “What. Are. You. Planning!” Deceit looked very dangerous, with Logan shoved against the wall. His eyes were feral and his teeth were sharp.

“I was just planning on ducking out! I’m not going to hurt anyone I swear!” Logan yelled. In an instant Deceit let him go, but caught him before he could fall.

“Was that so hard?” Deceit held Logan by the arm, and Logan was shaking. “Perhaps we  _ shouldn’t _ take this conversation to the living room.” Deceit didn’t wait for an answer, dragging Logan to the living room. He plopped Logan on the couch and took a seat in an armchair across from Logan. He looked calm and confident, but was prepared for a fight, taking out four of his six arms. Logan leaned in on himself, nervous and unprepared. He didn’t expect to find anyone, and didn’t expect that someone would try to stop him.

“So why have you decided to duck out?” Deceit asked. He didn’t seem judgmental but Logan still felt shame.

“I have taken precautions, Thomas will not be left without logic.” Logan reassured Deceit. “Logic has been transferred from me into a… Bottle.”

“Oh I can certinantly tell you’re lacking logic.” Deceit barbed at Logan. “The question is still why. Why  _ aren’t _ you considering, well, suicide.” Deceit asked as he studied the other side intently.

“It’s not suicide.” Was the only response Logan had.

“A lie, and we both know it. That’s unlike you, you’re not one to sugarcoat the truth. Any reason why you’re  _ not _ doing it now?” Deceit leaned forward, studying Logan intently. Logan felt guilty, and looked away.

“This is why I have to leave. I can’t do my job as logic anymore, I’m compromised, I’m too emotional.” Logan sighed. “I cannot do my job properly. Logic is necessary, Logan is not. I have found a way to separate Logic from Logan.” He explained, hoping Deceit would understand. He studied Logan with an expressionless face.

“False, false, false, false, false, false. Emotion is swaying your logic but that is not necessarily a bad thing. What currently  _ isn’t  _ troubling is the fact that you lack any semblance of self-preservation. Now that I’ve told you the nature of going to the subconscious, are you still planning on leaving?” Deceit asked, though it was clear he already knew the answer. Logan nodded, not looking up. Deceit’s gaze bore through him.

“I’m not going to let you.” Deceit said, and Logan looked up in surprise.

“You can’t stop me.” Logan told him blankly.

“That’s a lie. I could fight you, we both know I’m  _ not _ stronger. I  _ couldn’t _ scream, Remus would come running down and we could both hold you down, or I could send him to get the others. I could tie you down and go get the others. There are many things I could do to stop you.” Deceit warned, eyes on Logan.

“I’m still going to try. I can’t go back, I can’t” Logan said, starting to breath hard. He bit down hard on his hand painfully hard.

“Hey!  _ Don’ t  _ stop that!” Deceit hissed, storming over to Logan. He didn’t realize it until Deceit grabbed his hand and yanked it out of his mouth. He looked angry. “What do you think you’re doing?” Logan was scared, and tried to back away but Deceit held tightly.

“S-sorry, I just d-do that to c-calm down.” He stuttered out. Deceit’s expression changed from angry to sympathetic.

“I’m not saying you have to return.” Deceit whispered, leaning in close. Logan froze.

“W-what?” Logan looked up, confused. Deceit felt pity for the other side. He was so scared, so lost, and Deceit knew how to help.

“Virgil  _ wasn’t _ a dark side, now he’s light. You don’t have to leave Thomas to do your job, you just need a different job, unless you’re willing to go back. You are a fine logic, you did your job well.” Logan shook his head quickly. “Very well. Virgil used to be paranoia, not anxiety. His room is still here. If you claim it as your own, you  _ won’t _ become one of us.”

“That doesn’t make sense. There were only three doors before, another door was created for him. He didn’t ‘claim’ a room for himself.” Logan stammered out, confused.

“It’s not the only way, Virgil  _ didn’t  _ have a natural change. This  _ wouldn’t _ be a little less natural. Virgil’s personality and purpose changed gradually. This would be a bit more sudden.” Deceit warned. “Your personality  _ wouldn’t _ change, though I’m not sure how drastic the change would be.”

“Good” Logan whispered “The more drastic the better. I’m a failure.” He mumbled. Deceit felt pity for the side, wanting to help.

“The door is over there.” Deceit pointed towards a plain black door. “Unless you’ve changed your mind.” Logan shook his head and stood up. He looked at the black door determined. In purple letters it had ‘PARANOIA’ written in capital letters, with ‘VIRGIL’ right underneath. It didn’t suit him anymore, but it didn’t suit Logan either. He looked back at Deceit, who only beckoned to the door. Logan hesitated, but put his hand on the door handle and opened it slowly. The inside was completely black, and almost seemed to swirl. Logan hesitated, looking behind him at Deceits frowning face.

“Logan, you  _ have _ to do this if you don’t want to. You  _ can’t _ come back, but the choice  _ isn’t _ yours. I  _ will _ stop you.” Deceit told him, his nerves forcing him to speak in lies again. Logan looked back at the swirl void of a room. It was empty and blank, untouched by vice. It was his chance to become something untouched and new as well. He was scared, scared of losing himself, scared of losing his friends. But, his friends don’t deserve someone as broken as him. They deserve something better, someone new.

Deceit watched as Logan stepped in the door and shut the door. He wasn’t sure it would work but was fairly certain if Logan was desperate enough it would work, and Logan was certainly desperate. He wasn’t lying about killing himself to duck out and Deceit wasn’t sure he could stop him. Remus would never be woken up no matter how loudly Deceit yelled and he wasn’t sure he could hold Logan down for long enough or if he would be able to get help in time. Hopefully this would give Logan some time to get his head on straight and get better. He thought he was making the right decision, but as Virgil’s old door started to turn a stark white and the lettering started to smaller he realized he might have made a mistake.

After a minute the door stopped changing. Curious he stepped closer to the door, examining it closely. The lettering was small and black, and Deceit had to squint to read it properly, and felt his heart drop.


	2. I'm Happy All the Time

Patton was always the first awake. He happily prepared pancakes, humming a Disney tune as he mixed in chocolate chips. All of his sons loved chocolate chip pancakes and he was happy to make them. As he finished the first batch Roman burst from his room, looking as princely as ever.

“Good morning Padre! Do I smell pancakes?” Roman’s smiled lopsidedly and his hair was messy. He was dressed in bright red pajamas with crowns printed on them and seemed to almost glow in the kitchen light.

“Yes, but you’ll have to wait for the others.” Patton teased, and Roman’s face fell into an exaggerated and playful pout. He wasn’t really upset and he started to enthral Patton with his most recent quest. Soon Virgil’s door creaked open and the shadowy side yawned tiredly. He grumbled as he stomped down the stairs with far less grace than the others. He always woke up far less easily than the others.

“Good morning my little Nevermore!” Patton smiled brightly at Virgil, who was already wearing his hoodie over his pajamas. Virgil grumbled a good morning, and started to get a plate of pancakes.

“Hold on kiddo, we have to wait for everyone.” Patton warned gently, and Virgil looked confused at the other two.

“Is Logan not awake yet?” Virgil asked, still tired. “He usually gets up right after Patton.” 

“How would you even know that? You’re always here last, how would you know the order everyone wakes up.” Roman teased, now getting his own plate of pancakes.

“I know things.”

“That is a bit odd though. He’s always here at 8:30 on the dot.” Patton mumbled as he prepared a plate of pancakes. Usually he’d insist on waiting but everyone was hungry, and as rare as it was Logan occasionally overworked himself. He would need a day to rest and if he’s not in the main room he must have been exhausted. 

The pancakes were delicious, but Virgil couldn’t deny that he was slightly worried. Patton seemed to notice his unease as he kept glancing at Logan’s door.

“Don’t worry kiddo, I’ll go check on him at lunch time. If Logan’s not out by now he probably needs some extra sleep. He’s been stressed for these past few days, don’t worry.” Patton patted Virgil on the back chearly, and Virgil gave him a small smile as he helped clean up the plates. 

It was 11 when Patton started to get concerned. Logan would have probably popped out to at least go to the bathroom by now, unless he was very sick. Logan was never one to show the others his weaknesses. It would be far too much like him to lock himself in his room until he’s at ‘optimum efficiency’ as he would call it. He decided to prepare chicken noodle soup for lunch, and some homemade bread. Hopefully it would help Logan feel better, Patton thought as he headed to Logan’s dark blue wooden door. He knocked on the door gently, waiting for a response. Their was no answer.

“Logan? Kiddo? Are you doing alright? I made soup!” Patton called to the door, but he received no answer. Now he was starting to get even more worried. He knocked on the door again, louder this time. “Logan are you ok? We’re getting concerned out here.” He received no answer. Patton was now starting to freak out. As much as he liked to respect the other side's privacy he was now really worried. He figured if Logan was really that soundly asleep, he wouldn’t notice if Patton took a quick look inside.

“Logan I’m gonna po-” Patton opened the door and froze. Logan’s usually neat and organized room was no longer their. It was instead replaced with a swirling black vortex that didn’t seem to have an end or a beginning. Patton froze in fear. He wasn’t sure what to do, whether he should explore or yell for the others. Faintly he was aware that he had collapsed on the floor as he stared at the black galaxy.

Perhaps Logan was just setting up a galaxy in his room? That made perfect sense, Patton thought as he got back to his feet. Logan loved space, so he just made his room into a galaxy. They all had some control over their rooms, it was only surprising because Logan never changed his room up. Perhaps he just wanted to change things up. Patton looked around, and quickly realized something was off. He’s not the smartest side but he has a general idea of what the night sky looks like. Usually, their are stars, and the swirling darkness wasn’t the right color for the night sky.

Patton felt a tug and knew Thomas was calling him. He started to panic slightly as he was pulled up to the living room. He saw Roman, Thomas and Virgil, but not Logan. His panic became far worse, but no one seemed to notice at first.

“Sorry about pulling you up suddenly, I’d usually give you some more warning but something seems a bit off. Not bad per say, just off.” Thomas started, but Patton’s eyes were glued to the hallway where Logan usually sat.

“Where’s Logan!” He yelled, terrified. Everyone’s eyes snapped towards Patton, then the empty hallway. “I-I looked in his r-room and he wasn’t there. The room w-wasn’t their either.” Patton stuttered out, and he started to shake.

“What do you mean the room wasn’t there?” Virgil growled out, looking quite animalistic.

“Do not worry, Anxiety I have arrived.” Logan spoke flatly, suddenly appearing in his usual spot. Patton let out a sigh of relief, but froze when his eyes landed on him. 

Logan looked far different than normal. He stood up far too straight and his hair was completely brushed back, not a hair out of place. His shirt was completely white and his tie was completely black along with his pants. His stature was like one of a soldier but what was most disconcerting was his face.

Logan’s skin took a greyish tone, Thomas’s natural skin color replaced by a cold, metallic sheen. His eyes were now a dark grey, with not a hint of brown. His face itself was completely blank, seemingly almost empty. It was disturbing.

“Logan buddy, are you ok?” Thomas asked, his voice sounding worried. Logan turned to him and Thomas’s expression suddenly flattened. His expression wasn’t blank but it seemed to be a mix of calm and uncaring.

“Their is no need to worry.” Logan’s voice was far too flat, and seemed almost robotic.

“Yes, you’re right. Sorry.” Thomas spoke quietly, seemingly not entirely there in the moment. His face went pale and his eyes went flat, showing no emotion. The other sides were wide eyed and terrified. 

“Logan what’s going on? What did you do?” Roman demanded, his voice shaky and his face pale. Logan turned to him but his face still didn’t show any emotion.

“Nothing that will effect Thomas, Creativity. You have no reason to worry.” Roman stared at Logan, wide eyed.

“So you did do something?” Patton asked

“Yes.” Logan said flatly, not clarifying further. His gray eyes stared straight at Patton, not a hint of warmth in them.

“What did you do?” Roman yelled, louder this time. Thomas either didn’t notice, or didn’t care about the argument. Both were very worrying.   
  


“I cannot tell you, for it would cause you distress. Distress would be very ineffective.” Logan said flatly, reminding Patton of a robot.

“Shit!” Virgil yelled, coming to a sudden realization. “Patton you said Logan’s room wasn’t there right?” Patton nodded vigorously. “What exactly did you mean by that?”

“Well it was like a galaxy without stars. Just a weird black vortex.” Patton clarified, stuttering ever so slightly as he answered.

“SHIT SHIT SHIT!” Virgil yelled loudly, startling everyone but Logan, who just stared blankly at Virgil during the outburst.

“Virge what do you know?” Roman asked, terrified now. Even Thomas started to snap out of his apathy.

“Yes, what’s going on? Why do I feel so weird?” Thomas mumbled, his face regaining its color.

“Thomas, we can fix this, but we have to go to the mindscape. Will you be ok?” Vigil said as he turned towards Thomas, who started to shake. Thomas nodded his head as he turned to the others. 

“Do you guys need any help?” He offered, though he wasn’t sure what to do.

“No kiddo, just stay here. I’m sure Virgil will explain anything once this is all over.” Patton smiled, but internally he was freaking out. They all were, except Logan of course.

“Logan, will you come with us?” Virgil asked, but they all knew the real question.  _ Will you come with us willingly? _

“Of course Anxiety. Attempts at fighting all three of you would be futile and a waste of time.” Logan nodded, then ducked into the mindscape without a word. Nervous and scared, Roman followed, then Virgil, leaving only Thomas and Patton.

“Logan’s going to be ok right? He didn’t seem like Logan at all…” Thomas mumbled, nervous. For a second Patton wanted to smile and lie, to reassure Thomas as much as he could, but he hesitated.

“I’m not sure kiddo, but at least Virgil will be able to explain what's going on. We’ll figure it out from there. We’ve always been able to fix stuff like this before.” Patton smiled, then ducked into the mindscape with the others, prepared to fix whatever was going on with his son.


	3. We take strange things to feel normal

“Virgil, you said you know what’s going on?” Roman asked, his eyes glued to Logan, who still looked uncaring about the entire situation. Virgil ignored him.

“Logan, when I left the dark sides my room moved to the light sides. However my door didn’t disappear, it became an unused room. The same thing has happened to your room on the light side, meaning you’re now a dark side.” Patton let out a gasp and Roman paled, but Virgil continued. “However one doesn’t just switch sides that quickly, and their personalities don’t just change like that. When I became a light side it was because  **I** changed. When I changed, when my personality changed, then I became a light side. You-You changed in one night.” Virgil’s voice was getting frantic and loud, and he was starting to panic.

“Remember to breathe Anxiety, getting worked up will be rather ineffective and counterproductive.” Logan’s cold voice rang out in the silence, making everyone turn towards him.

“Logan…. What did you do?” Roman’s voice was horrified as he stared wide eyed at the greyscale side.

“What Virgil said is correct, under normal circumstances a side cannot change their purpose and personality so freely. I have found a way to circumvent those unnecessary steps to become a more productive member of Thomas’s personality.” Logan clarified flatly.

“Wait, your purpose?” Patton blurted out, now confused and worried.

“Yes” For a mere second the other sides could swear they saw a slight smile filter across Logan’s face, but only for a second. “I have become… Apathy”

The room was silent for a second, before exploding in chatter. Everyone was screaming and yelling, except Logan. His face was still and blank, until the others started to quiet down. “I presume you have questions?”

“Um ya? How do we fix this?” Virgil’s voice doubled, and Logan looked at him, confused. 

“Fix this? Anxiety I have already fixed the issue, my current state is an improvement.” Logan said, matter of factly. The others looked at him, horrified.

“What do you mean by that kiddo?” Patton asked in a shaky voice, trying to stay positive for his family.

“Well I have managed to fix the greatest error in Logan to become a more efficient and productive side.” 

“And that is?” Patton pushed a little farther, but Logan didn’t seem to be pressured.

“I am aware that the answer would cause all of you unnecessary distress so I have decided to refrain from answering.” Logan’s answer was the exact opposite of comforting to the other sides, and Virgil started to panic.

“WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!” He screeched, a mix of angry and terrified, his voice starting to double.

“It means, simply, you know everything you need to to understand the situation, and no harm will come to either you, myself, or Thomas.” Apathy reassured Virgil, his voice not wavering at all. Virgil went quiet, but the others could tell he was thinking hard.

“So do you still go by the name Logan? How does this work?” Roman asked, a bit nervous.

“I prefer Apathy, it’s simpler that way. I don’t need any name, they’re completely unnecessary.” Patton let out a slight whimper at hearing this, and started to hyperventilate. 

“Wait a minute, you’d have to go to the dark side at least once to change at all meaning…” Virgil started to mumble to himself. Suddenly his eyes went wide with realization. “DECEIT!” He yelled, startling all the other sides.

The half snake side appeared in the room suddenly, dressed to the nines as usual. To the other light sides he looked as cold and composed as normal. However Virgil could see the underlying panic in his eyes along with an unnatural paleness. Virgil didn’t say anything, only frantically waving his arms at Apathy. Deceit took one look and went even paler.

  
“I  _ can’t  _ explain.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because this chapter is so short the next chapter will be posted in two days instead of three.


	4. It's so obvious that my life's pretty plain

“So you do know what happened?” Virgil glared, accusingly. Deceit looked ashamed, something the other sides have never seen before.

“ _ No.”  _ Deceit confirmed, twiddling his thumbs nervously. Virgil looked ready to tear his head off but Patton realized something was off quickly. 

“Maybe you could tell us what happened kiddo?” He asked nervously. The other sides looked at him, and even Deceit looked surprised. He looked like he was about to speak, but Apathy quickly stepped in.

“Deceit, I would refrain from continuing that sentence. Such a story will only cause the others distress, making them less effective.” He didn’t seem upset at all, but his words were troubling. Deceit stared at him for a long time.

“Logan…. I’m  _ not  _ sorry.” This did seem to surprise Apathy, causing him to raise an eyebrow.

“Why would you apologize? The only effects I have suffered were positive improvement from my previous state, their is no reason to show regret or remorse. This is an improvement from my previous state.” Apathy seemed quite confused as he spoke, not sure why anyone would be regretful of the change. Deceit just shook his head.

“I  _ didn’t  _ think it would help, I  _ didn’t  _ think his job was just getting too stressful and he was having a breakdown or something. I  _ didn’t  _ think I could try to help him.” Deceit actually started to get upset, but he was hiding it well. That didn’t stop Patton from getting worried.

“What happened kiddo?”

“Logan wanted to duck out.” Deceit spat the words out like poison, and from the horrified gasps of the other sides it might as well have been.

“No no no no no.” Virgil started to mumble “Logan is this true? Is it!” He yelled, terrified for the other side. He knew exactly what ducking out entaled, unlike the others.

“Yes, I did.” Apathy said flatly, lacking the discomfort the other sides had.

“Oh my child, oh I’m so sorry!” Patton sobbed, shaking and crying. Deceit wanted to comfort him but wasn’t sure how. 

“How did you even know how to do that?” Virgil asked, his voice doubling.

“I  _ didn’t  _ tell him before I knew he was suicidal.” Deceit confirmed, guiltily. 

“Wait, suicidal?” Roman practically whispered, his eyes wide with shock.

“Yes, suicidal. You duck out by….. Comiting suicide in the dark side.” Virgil said uneasily, the two light sides looking at him, horrified.

“Virgil… You didn’t tell us…” Patton’s voice was heartbreaking, his eyes filled with tears. That got Deceit’s attention.

“What  _ don’t  _ you mean?” Deceit asked.

“Well Virgil almost ducked out about-”

“ **He what?** ” Deceit growled, then turned to glare at Virgil who shrunk into his hoodie.

“It happened a long time ago! Also, that’s not the issue right now, Log-I mean Apathy is the current issue.” Virgil defended, not wanting to be the target of Deceits worry.

“Fine, but we  _ won’t  _ talk later.” He warned, then turned back to Apathy.

“Can we even fix this? Is Logan going to be Apathy forever?” Patton cried desperately.

“ _ No.  _ There  _ isn’t  _ a way to fix this, as long as Apathy  _ doesn’t  _ cooperate.” Patton seemed to be calmed by Deceit’s words, but Apathy spoke up.

“No. I will not change back.” Everyone looked at him in shock.

“What do you mean ‘no’ kiddo?”

“That would be ineffective. I am most effective in this current state. I was flawed, previously, and I will not harm our host by switching back to Logan. He was… Inappropriate in every way for claiming to be logic. I frankly cannot understand why you wish to have him back.” The others were shocked into silence for a few seconds, before Roman finally spoke up.

“Apathy, what do you mean?” 

“While he claimed to be ‘logic’ Logan often seemed to lack any of it himself. His emotions often got in the way of his job, making him ineffective. Furthermore while he did have emotions he lacked any emotional intelligence to make such a vice excusable, and he was quite ineffective at hiding them, bothering all of you. It is better this way for everyone.” Apathy’s words were frank, but horrifying.

“Oh my god, Logan, I’m so sorry.” Patton cried softly, pulling Apathy into a hug that he didn’t reciprocate.

“Is that why you  _ haven’t  _ been biting yourself?” Deceit asked.

“What? Kiddo is that true?” Patton was horrified. Apathy didn’t care.

“It was one of Logan’s many ineffective methods to regulate his emotions, both biting and cutting. As I said before, Logan was ineffective and flawed. My current state is an improvement, and with time I believe you’ll agree.”

“Wait, cutting? Where? How have I never noticed? I’m so sorry!” Patton cried. On Apathy’s arms that were perfectly smooth a second ago were suddenly covered in angry red cuts that were now visual to all.

“Logan simply used an illusion to hide them. Like I have said before, Logan was a flawed Logic, I am an improvement. You will no longer have to worry about your ‘logic’ suffering from such debilitating emotions.” Apathy stated sharply.

The room was quiet for a long time, the tension palpable to all but Apathy. No one was sure what to do, but they do know one thing.

“We have to fix this. Deceit, how can we do this?” Roman declared, faking confidence.

“Well Logan  _ wouldn’t  _ have to reclaim his room willingly. How to force him to do so I  _ have  _ an idea.” Deceit admitted.

“Unless…” Virgil thought out loud, quietly whispering to himself. Deceit heard him, and he knows better than most how Virgil’s mind can spiral.

“Theoretically, if Patton murdered someone he would no longer be morality, he would be something else. If I lost my worry I wouldn’t be anxiety anymore, I’d change too. If Deceit lost his tounge, or couldn’t lie, he would no longer be Deceit. So if Apathy started to feel….”

“Then he  _ wouldn’t  _ be Apathy anymore.” Deceit finished, silently proud of his sudeo-son’s brilliance. Virgil used to be Paranoia, and still had the ability to send the other sides into bouts of paranoia or anxiety. It took quite a bit out of him, but it was still possible. There’s no reason his powers wouldn’t work on Apathy, even if it would be a little more difficult than usual.

“What are you two planning? Not that I’m not willing to try almost anything, but I would like to know where this is going.” Roman stated nervously, wringing his hands. Neither answered him, instead Deceit turned to Patton.

“Patton, do you  _ not  _ think you could grab a chair for Apathy?” Patton nodded, and rushed to the kitchen. “Virgil, are you  _ not  _ sure this will work?”

Virgil nodded, but still looked nervous. Virgil kept looking at Apathy, who still stood straight up, unaffected by the conversation. “Apathy, Logan, or whatever you want your name to be, this isn’t going to be pleasant.” He warned. Apathy didn’t seem to care.

“While I have attempted to explain why such actions to ‘resurrect’ this Logan character will be futile if it fails and detrimental if it succeeds, I understand you seem to be in a great deal of distress due to this rapid change. I will allow you to attempt this undertaking, but I must warn you that it won’t work.” Apathy’s voice was flat, and Deceit felt a pang of guilt.

“I found it!” Patton called as he emerged from the kitchen, holding a wooden chair above his head. He placed it against the wall, and tried to ignore his tears.

“Apathy, if you please.” Deceit beckoned to the chair. Apathy shrugged and sat down, his posture perfect in the chair.

“I am still convinced this is unnecessary. I don’t understand how you cannot see that my current state is an improvement, but perhaps you just need some time to adjust.” Deceit shut Apathy up with a look that was a mix between heartless and guilty. For a long time everyone sat in silence, not entirely sure what to do next. Finally Virgil walked over to Apathy, standing by his side.

“I’m really sorry about this buddy.” Virgil said, his voice heavy with remorse. Apathy wasn’t sure why, but before he could ask Virgil placed his hand on his shoulder, and a wave of emotion assaulted him.


	5. they can't take that away

Apathy was a different person than Logan. While Logan had emotions and had things he cared about Apathy had none. He did care about the other sides, but that was more for practicality than actual affection. It was merely a type of self-preservation.

Apathy wasn’t completely separate from Logan, he was just an upgrade from him. Though that term was a bit weird, Apathy was just Logan with his emotions stripped away. An upgrade through removing unwanted features. Apathy wasn’t Logan, but he was in a way. Apathy was Logan with all the messiness of human emotions locked away.

When Virgil, no, PARANOIA, summoned all his power in his touch the emotions lurched forward, but Apathy fought them back. The emotions, what makes Logan himself, wasn’t backing down.

Fear flooded Logan’s entire body, Apathy fended them off. Logan wanted to run, to flee. Apathy forced him to sit. Logan started to scratch at his wrist, and Apathy couldn’t stop him. Logan started to hyperventilate and Apathy couldn’t calm him down. All the anger and hatred Logan harbored for himself started to return full force, and Apathy couldn’t hold it back.

The others didn’t know about this internal struggle, all they saw was the color returning back to color. Patton let out a sigh of relief. Virgil fainted, and was quickly caught by Roman, who held him like a baby. Deceit however was slightly more suspicious.

“Apathy, are you alright?” He asked, his eyes trailing Apathy suspiciously.

“Logan-No-Wait-Apathy-Wait-Logan.” Every word was hard for him to say, but his distress and panic was evident. Suddenly he shot up from the chair and looked absolutely feral, his eyes animalistic. “I need to leave.”

“Logan? Are you alright kiddo?” Patton asked, worried.

“Of course not, Paranoia  _ didn’t  _ just use all his power to force Logan back.” Deceit eyes Logan, who was full on panicking. “It  _ isn’t  _ Logan now?”

Logan nodded, but wasn’t really thinking. “I-I have to leave.” He stumbled forward, his eyes glued to the door to the dark side. Deceit saw this and got in front of him, blocking his path. 

“Are you  _ not _ going to hurt yourself?” He asked, prepared to hear a lie.

“Get out of my way!” Logan yelled in desperation, getting into a fighting stance.

“Are you going to hurt himself?” Deceit’s voice was dangerously low. He pulled out all six of his arms in case things went poorly.

“No!” Logan screeched, and Deceit was almost overwhelmed with how strong the lie was. Logan wanted to hurt himself, to kill himself. He didn’t care how, he just wanted it to be bloody and painful.

“Thats a lie-” Suddenly Deceit was cut off by an uppercut to the face. He stumbled back in shock and pain and Logan took the opportunity to run past him to the door.

“Deceit! Logan!” Patton screeched in panic. He wasn’t sure whether to chase Logan or help Deceit. 

“ _ Don’t  _ grab him!” Deceit yelled at Patton who ran after Logan after. Logan got to the door and shoved it open, jumped inside, and slammed it shut. Patton tried to follow but he couldn’t get it open. Deceit and Roman ran after him, slamming on the door in desperation. Deceit kicked at the door, screaming. He heard yells from the inside, then a crash. Deceit stopped kicking when he heard stomping getting closer and closer to the door, along with quiet whimpers. The door swung open to reveal a very confused Remus holding Logan to his side. He was holding on tightly to Logan, who was flailing and scratching, trying to get out of Remus’s arms. Remus didn’t even seem to notice.

“Anyone going to tell me what's going on?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you all think about that new episode? No spoilers here, but I won't be changing THIS FIC however there are a few other fics I'm working on that will be changed and altered. It was pretty crazy though, and I love my snake boi even more now. 
> 
> Because this chapter was so short, the next update will bein two days, not three. I hope you enjoyed, comments and critics welcome.


	6. The voices in my right brain are kinda funny

No actually bothered to explain to Remus what was going on. He was always a late riser. When he did wake up both Deceit and Apathy were no longer in the dark side of the mind, but Remus did notice the new door in the dark side. He examined it curiously and as soon as he saw the name ‘Logan’ he realized shit must have gone down, but he wasn’t sure what that shit was. Feeling briefly annoyed that he was out of the loop he went down the stairs to see if anyone was there. He didn’t find anyone, and got even more annoyed. He quickly prepared toast and got dressed, fully prepared to insert himself right in the drama. It was one of the many things he shared with his twin, they were both gossipy bitches.

Luckily he didn’t have to. As he finished dressing in the kitchen he heard the door to the light side swing open, then slam shut. Remus froze, as he heard frantic footsteps rush towards the kitchen till he saw Logan stop at the kitchen entrance. Both sides froze, staring at the other. Remus was confused, wondering why Logan looked so disheveled and panicked. Logan froze because he wasn’t expecting anyone to be down here. Then Remus was hit with a wave of intrusive thoughts.

_ Get a knife, get a knife, stab yourself, get a knife, stab yourself, get a knife, get a knife, GET A KNIFE, DO IT, DO IT, DO IT _

Remus was a bit overwhelmed at all the negativity and choked a little at all the hatred Logan felt for himself. Logan decided he couldn’t wait any longer, and broke out into a dash towards the knife block. He wasn’t even thinking anymore, ignoring Remus’s presence as he lunged for the knife.

Remus was quicker than Logan, and grabbed him by the arm before he got to the knife. Logan let out a screech and grabbed at Remus’s hand. Digging his fingers in, trying to force Remus to let go. Remus didn’t, and instead grabbed his other arm. Logan howled and tried to kick but lost his footing. Remus took the opportunity to wrap his arms around Logan and hoist him up. Logan again yelled loudly and tried to shove Remus off him to no avail. Remus started to trudge to the door with Logan still fighting him and he started to hear what sounds like the door being kicked. Logan got even more desperate and tried to scratch at Remus, but he barely felt it. 

Finally he got to the door. Logan was whimpering but Remus’s grip didn’t loosen. He shoved the door open to see a very confusing scene. Patton was sobbing, Deceit looked like he was the one trying to kick the door down, and Roman was holding an unconscious Virgil like a baby.

“Anyone going to tell me what’s going on?” Remus asked in confusion, but before he could finish Deceit lunged forward and grabbed Logan with all six of his arms. He didn’t have a chance to escape as Deceit whisked him away, but still he sobbed quietly. 

“Thank you! Thank you!” Patton sobbed as he tackled Remus into a hug. Remus was still confused but returned the hug, more to comfort the fatherly side than anything.

Meanwhile Deceit was more concerned with getting Logan to safety. Logan was crying softly as Deceit held him in all six of his arms before dropping him back in the chair. Logan started to try and get up but Deceit held him down. 

His powers were always a bit odd but the purpose was always self preservation. It was easy for him to summon zip ties and bind Logan to the chair. “Stay,” he warned quietly, and Logan only responded with a whimper. Deceit quickly turned to see the others. Virgil was starting to wake up, Roman looked pale and a bit sickly, Patton was still sobbing as he clinged to Remus, and Remus was still confused, but tried to comfort Patton anyway. Deceit took a breath to calm himself before speaking.

“Remus, my apologies for all this. It  _ isn’t  _ quite the story and I  _ don’t  _ plan on telling you everything.” Deceit said as calmly as he could

“Thats cool, but maybe later. Your captive there is about to bang his head against the wall. You might want to stop him.” Remus warned as he pointed at Logan. Right on cue a loud thump was heard by the other sides. Deceit turned quickly to see Logan pound his head again. He lunged forward with a hiss and quickly put one of his hands behind Logan’s head.

Logan wasn’t happy about this. He didn’t stop pounding his head against Deceit’s hand. It certainly hurt but Deceit didn’t pull his hand away. Logan started to yell, but he wasn't making and sense, he wasn’t even forming words. He didn’t even seem like he was fully there or fully aware anymore. Deceit knew Virgil’s powers would have effects but he never expected them to be as strong as they were.

“How can I help him?” Patton asked, still clinging onto Remus.

“You can't,” Virgil barley whispered from Roman’s arms. He was pale and shaking but now awake and quite a bit more lucid than Logan.

“What?” Patton cried in terror.

“It has to run his course. He’s suffering from a paranoid episode, then he’ll fall unconscious.” Virgil spoke in a raspy voice before coughing.

“Ok, what did Logic do to earn such special treatment? Or is it Apathy now?” Remus asked in an uncaring voice, but it was evident that he was quite bothered.

“No”

“Yes”

“It’s Logan now” Three voices spoke at once, all overlapping. Deceit felt Logan stop pounding his head back and looked down to see the Logical side slump forward in his chair, finally unconscious. Deceit let out a sigh of relief.

“Do you all need some time to get your stories straight?” Remus asked.

“ _ Yes.  _ We  _ shouldn’t  _ go take this into the living room.” Deceit said as he undid the binds and picked Logan up in his many arms. He frowned at how light he was in his arms and he trudged to the living room.

“Isn’t it a bit… Bigger than it was a second ago?” Virgil asked weakly, shivering slightly in Romans arms. Roman sat on the couch and grabbed a blanket which he wrapped Virgil in. Looking around the living room it was clear that they could all sit down comfortably with their own space, something that usually couldn’t be done.

“Well I wouldn’t be surprised kiddo. The mind bends to accommodate its inhabitants, the more people who are on the light side of the bigger it is. It’s probably just moved to accommodate Logan moving back in.” Patton said in a forced upbeat tone that fooled no one.

“Maybe, but it does look bigger than it did before.” Roman mentioned nervously.

“That hardly matters at the moment. Remus  _ doesn’t  _ need an explanation.” Deceit stated, before dipping into an explanation of the past day or so and everything that's gone down. Remus sat quietly in disbelief as he heard everything. He blinked in shock not entirely sure how to react.

“Wow…. Well thats, uh, quite the story.” He mumbled quietly as he ran his fingers through his hair. “What can I do to help.”

Deceit let out a soft sigh as he looked down at Logan’s unconscious form. “I  _ am _ sure. I  _ do _ know when he’ll wake up.” Patton let out a gasp. But Virgil spoke up quickly.

“A few days, give or take. I used a lot of power and he was really bad.” His voice was still a bit weak but it sounded stronger. Color returned to his face and he was sitting up straight in Roman’s lap.

“Oh poor thing!” Patton blurted out in shock.

“It’s going to be ok Pat.” Roman reassured, his voice gentle.

“What I’m  _ not  _ worried about is what to do with Logan next. He  _ will _ just be fine when he wakes up, like I said he  _ wasn’t  _ planning on ducking out.” Deceit said solemnly.

“We-We’re going to have to keep an eye on after this, won’t we?” Roman asked, though everyone already knew the answer. 

“ _ No.  _ He also  _ isn’t  _ concerningly underweight and  _ wasn’t  _ showing self-destructive behavior. We  _ don’t  _ need to watch him after this.” Subconsciously Deceit brushed a finger across Logan’s cuts on his wrist, drawing the other side's attention over to them.

“We should probably bangade those up.” Virgil mumbled quietly, but everyone heard him.

“ _ No.  _ And while Patton gets a first aid kit Remus  _ shouldn’t  _ make sure the door to the dark side is locked so Logan  _ can  _ do something like that again.” Deceit commanded, giving Patton something to focus on so he wouldn’t have a complete breakdown, which was the last thing anyone needed right now, especially Patton. 

Remus and Patton nodded and shot up quickly to do they’re respective tasks. Deceit moved Logan to rest on the couch besides him and covered him in a blanket. He finally let out a sigh and slumped forward in exhaustion. He didn’t even care that there were two other sides staring at him.

“Deceit-” Roman started, but Deceit interrupted him.

“I’m  _ not  _ sorry.” He said quietly with remorse. Tears pricked his eyes but he refused to cry. He looked down to hide his face, everything that had happened finally hitting him. If Remus wasn’t awake he wasn’t sure he would be able to get to Logan in time. If he couldn’t get to Logan in time… Well it would be all his fault, wouldn’t it?

“Why are you apologizing?” Roman asked, confused. As far as Roman was concerned Deceit saved Logan from himself. Sure maybe switching sides wasn’t a great idea, but it was probably the best way to convince Logan not hurt himself at the time. 

“I know it  _ wasn’t  _ my fault, I  _ shouldn’t  _ have done more to help.” Deceit mumbled, still fighting tears. He bit back a sob, but his breathing was getting shaky.

“Deceit, are you alright?” Roman asked, noticing the shaking. Virgil noticed this too and moved off of Roman’s lap before beckoning silently to Deceit, who was clearly only seconds from a break down.

Deceit nodded, not trusting his voice to speak. Roman got up carefully and walked over to Deceit. He kneeled down in front of him but Deceit still refused to look him in the eyes. Roman didn’t know what to say, so he just wrapped Deceit in a strong hug.

All his resolve fell as soon as Roman hugged him. He wrapped all six of his arms around the creative side and sobbed into his shoulder. He hadn’t cried in years, and was just so overwhelmed. He didn’t have a chance to take everything in, he was too busy trying to fix it. Even the night before, when Logan was Apathy, Deceit refused to leave his side.

“I’m  _ not  _ sorry, I’m  _ not  _ sorry.” Deceit sobbed into Roman’s shoulder, not sure what else to do. He couldn’t stop crying till he exhausted himself, leaning into Roman’s shoulder and not far from falling asleep.

It was only then that they noticed that Remus and Patton were standing in the door to the living room, watching the scene quite awkwardly. Deceit quickly wiped away his tears and stood up straight.

“ _ Don’t  _ forgive me, I  _ don’t  _ just need some sleep.” He said calmly, hoping everyone would forget what they just saw. They didn’t, but both of them decided not to bring it up then, both having something else to say.

“Hey the door to the dark side isn’t there anymore.” Remus blurted out, surprising everyone except Patton.

“It’s what?” Deceit said, standing up in shock. He ignored how tired he felt as he stormed to the hallway to where the door usually would be, followed by the other sides besides Virgil and Logan. Where the heavy wooden door was only a few minutes ago stood a plain wall leaving no hint of nothing ever being there. If Deceit didn’t know exactly where the door was he would have never believed a door was ever there. He ran his shaking fingers across the smooth wall and fought back tears. “Perhaps it  _ hasn’t  _ just moved to somewhere else.” The doors moved before, but Deceit knew it was a bit of a stretch.

“I don’t think so kiddo.” Patton spoke softly, completely aware of how fragile Deceit was at the moment. “Your rooms… Well they’ve moved. There are two new rooms upstairs, one for you, one for Remus.” His voice was quiet and gentle, but that didn’t seem to make the news and easier to hear. Deceit turned around and Patton felt a pang of sorrow when he saw Deceit’s damp eyes.

“What? No, no, no, no, no, that  _ does _ make sense. I  _ am _ a good side, I  _ should _ be here, I  _ should _ be here.” He mumbled quietly as he started to shake in shock. 

“Hey it’s ok Deceit, you deserve to be here as much as anyone else.” Roman spoke up, trying to calm Deceit down. Deceit didn’t even seem to hear him as he turned to face the wall.

“Let me in! Let me in!” Deceit screamed as he pounded on the wall hard. Patton screamed at him to stop but he either didn’t listen or didn’t hear him as he continued pounding on the wall. His fists started to bleed but he didn’t stop. 

The creativity twins pulled him back, One on each side. At first Deceit fought them as he was pinned to the floor, but soon he ran out of energy, collapsing in their iron grip.

“Deceit what the hell was that?” Roman asked in surprise. Deceit refused to even look him in the eye.

“I  _ should _ be here. I  _ shouldn’t _ be there.” He beckoned to the bare wall with one of his free hands.

“What you need right now is to get some sleep. Then we need to talk. I’m pretty sure Logan isn’t the only person I should be concerned about right now.” Patton says quietly, as the two creative sides help pick Deceit up. He tried to stand, but stumbled. His six hands morphed back to two, he didn't have the strength to keep them up.

“You  _ do _ need to worry about me Pat.” Deceit said in a raspy voice. Patton only gave him a pointed look as Roman and Remus escorted him to his brand new room on the light side of the mind.

Patton sighs as he walks back to the living room. Logan is still sound asleep but Virgil was awake. He was shaking under the blankets and he looked very scared.

“Deceit… Is he.. Is he okay? He didn’t sound okay.” Virgil asked nervously. Patton sighed, walking over to the couch and sitting down before wrapping Virgil in a hug.

“Honestly kiddo I’m not sure. He seems pretty stressed out. Roman and Remus are going to make sure he gets some sleep, then we’ll talk to him. How does that sound kiddo?” Patton’s voice was quiet and comforting. So much so that Virgil really didn’t hear everything he said, only nodded in agreement against Patton’s chest as he fell asleep.

Patton sighed as he ran his fingers through Virgil’s hair. He heard doors close quietly upstairs as the twins quietly made their way downstairs. His kiddo’s needed help right now, but he wasn’t entirely sure how to help. He didn’t know how to fix all of this, but he was determined to try. Deceit, Logan, Virgil, Remus, and Roman. He wasn’t going to let any of his kids feel so worthless ever again.


	7. She ain't worth the price

Logan was moved to his room with someone always assigned as a guard to watch him. Deceit always took the very early morning shifts, often sitting stoically by Logan’s bedside looking for any type of movement or sign he was going to wake up. Patton took the next shift after making breakfast for the other sides. He often ate in Logan’s room, and often ran his fingers through Logan’s hair out of nerves. Roman took the next shift, practicing monologues when he did so. Occasionally he looked to Logan for a response but he never got one. Virgil then took over around dinner time. He occasionally spoke but often spent his time drawing or writing poetry. Then, when night rolled around Remus took over. He didn’t really have a set routine, often blabbering about whatever comes to his mind. Then Deceit took over early in the morning and the cycle repeated.

Surprisingly enough Remus was the one there when Logan woke up. Logan wasn’t exactly sure what was going on. He opened his eyes to see his black ceiling with glow-in-the-dark stars and he heard Remus’s nonsense blabbering. It was his room, not Apathy’s, which confused him at first. It took him a second to remember exactly what happened but when he did he let out a groan. Remus’s mouth slammed shut at the noise and he turned quickly to Logan, who was trying to push himself up.

“Easy, easy, easy.” Remus said as he ran over, helping Logan sit up. Logan felt dizzy and slightly nauseous, his vision blurring. “How are ya brainiac?” 

“My glasses.” Logan coughed out in a raspy voice. He reached over to his nightstand, only then noticing his hands were bandaged. “My-My hands.”

“Don’t mess with those.” Remus warned him, pushing Logan’s glasses on his face. Logan didn’t really pay attention, looking down at his hands. His arms were bandaged from his wrists to his elbows. How did they find out about the cuts? He always had them covered up. It would be impossible for them to have seen his cuts unless they already knew about them. Did he tell the others about them? What else do they know? How badly did he mess up? He was supposed to be Apathy. Why wasn’t he apathy? Why wasn’t he-

“Hey, brainiac you ok? Stay with me nerd.” Remus interrupts his train of thought as he starts to spiral.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry” Logan starts to mumble under his breath and hyperventilate. He hugged himself tightly, and Remus wasn’t exactly sure what to do. Was he supposed to hug him? Was he supposed to comfort him? What was he supposed to say? Remus had no idea.

When Logan started to scratch at his arms Remus jumped on the bed and gently grabbed Logan’s wrists and pulled them away from his arms. Logan whimpered slightly and tried to pull his arms back but Remus held on. He didn’t know what to do, so he just started talking.

“Hey it’s ok Logi. Mind if I call you Logi? How about Lo? Do you just prefer Logan? Or do you just want me to call you Logic? I like Logi the best cause you can say Logi-Bear and that is adorable. Unless you’re a murderous bear, most bears are murderous. I doubt you'd be a murderous bear though. I might be able to turn you into a bear in the imagination, though not very long.” as Remus blabled on Logan started to calm down. His breathing evened out and he stopped pulling his arms away. Logan watched Remus intently as he blabled on, focusing on every word.

“L-lo is f-fine.” Logan stammered weakly. He was shaking slightly, both from nerves and the fact that he was still physically weak. Remus let out an internal sigh of relief.

“Oky-Loki! Now you’ve been asleep for a while, are you hungry at all?” Remus asked, and Logan shook his head. Remus wasn’t willing to give up, and he knew Logan needed to at least get something in his stomach. “Are you thirsty?” Remus asked, and was quite relieved when Logan nodded. 

“Ok Logan, I’m going to get you some juice. Do you want Orange, Apple, or cranberry juice?” Remus asked, not exactly thrilled about the prospect of leaving Logan alone.

“W-water is f-fine.” Logan said as he snuggled under his blanket, still shivering.

“No, you need something a bit more substantial than that. So, what will it be?”

“Apple juice p-please.” Logan said, and Remus was a bit nervous at how pale and weak Logan looked under the blanket. He quietly left the room, only to run into Deceit. 

“What's-” Deceit started, but Remus cut him off.

“Logan’s awake, I’m getting him juice!” Remus said as he ran to the kitchen. Deceit stood in shock for a second before going into Logan’s room. He peered inside and saw Logan awake, but pale and shivering under a blanket. He didn’t look well.

“D-deceit?” Logan mumbled quietly, his eyes slightly glossy. It made Deceit’s heart break a little.

“Hey, I heard you  _ weren’t  _ awake.” Deceit said quietly as he made his way to the other side's bed. He sat down carefully and gently ran his fingers through Logan’s hair. Logan closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. He started to close his eyes, but quickly snapped them open.

“Wait, w-what happened? W-why am I n-not Apathy?” Logan asked in a shaky voice, looking down at his hands. Deceit wasn’t entirely sure how to respond.

“What  _ don’t  _ you remember?” He asked, decidedly. Logan bit his lip in concentration.

“I-I went into Virgil’s old room, I got dizzy and I fell unconscious. Then when I woke up… I’m not actually sure. I was sitting down, and, I-I don’t know h-how to explain it.” Logan stammered. He didn’t know how to explain the mania that took hold, the absolute panic, the sudden desire to end it all that he tucked away so neatly. “Did it not work?”

“ _ Yes _ … It  _ didn’t  _ work, but we  _ didn’t  _ change you back because something went wrong.” Deceit said nervously, and Logan gripped his blanket. He didn’t remember what it was like to be Apathy, but he knew he was miserable. He felt worthless, like a failure. He didn’t want to be there anymore, at least not how he was now. Although he doubted Deceit would want to hear that. But if Apathy hurt someone Logan would never forgive himself, 

“Are th-the others o-ok?” Logan asked nervously. Deceit’s eyes softened and he pulled Logan into a half hug.

“They’re  _ not  _ fine. No one was hurt, and they’re  _ not  _ worried about you.” Deceit reassured.

“Then-then w-why was I changed b-back? Why am I n-not Apathy?” Logan started to cry, and Deceit wasn’t sure what to do. “W-what went wrong?”

“You  _ did _ become a new person, you  _ didn’t  _ just have parts of yourself stripped away. You  _ weren’t _ just a shell, and we  _ did _ want to lose you.” Deceit was cut off by Logan.

“Yes, but I don’t understand. What went wrong? Why was I changed back?” Logan asked desperately while fighting tears.

“You weren’t you any more, You  _ weren’t _ just a shel-” Deceit was quickly cut off.

“THAT’S WHAT I WANTED!” Logan screamed, silencing the Deceitful side. He didn’t even notice Remus standing in the doorway, holding a glass of apple juice.

“So I can see this makeshift therapy appointment is going well. Do you need a black hole to yell into?” Remus offered, only half joking. If Logan did want to yell into a black hole then Remus would certainly be willing to summon one, even if he wasn’t sure how. Luckily he wouldn’t have to, as Logan shook his head, and sobbed quietly.

“I-I want to b-be alone. P-please leave.” Deceit and Remus looked at each other and Remus raised an eyebrow.

“ _ Yes  _ we’re  _ totally  _ going to leave you alone. I  _ can’t  _ leave or Remus  _ can’t _ leave but not us both.” Deceit conceded, while sitting on the edge of Logan’s bed.

“This isn’t what I wanted.” Logan mumbled. “Why are you still here? Why are you watching? Why do you care?” Logan asked, desperately. Deceit glanced back at Remus and bit his lip in worry.

“Remus please  _ don’t  _ go tell Patton Logan is awake.  _ Do  _ wake the others, only Patton. I  _ do  _ want to overwhelm Logan.” Deceit commanded, and Remus quickly ran out of the room.

“You shouldn’t have to do this.” Logan stated blankley, and Deceit was getting concerned at the numbness that seemed to wash over Logan.

“Shouldn’t have to do what? To get Patton? To make sure you don’t wake up alone? To patch up your wounds? You  _ won’t  _ have to be more specific.” Deceit baited, hoping to get Logan to talk without pushing him too far.

  
  


“You shouldn’t have to act like I’m fragile. You shouldn’t have to waste your own time to watch me. I shouldn’t be so needy.” Deceit blinked at this, not 100% sure where to start.

“You’re not ‘needy’ you need help. That’s not a bad thing.” Deceit said, as he noticed Patton and Remus in the corner of his eye. He quickly brought a finger to his mouth in a ‘be quiet’ symbol. They nodded, staying out of Logan’s room. “We’re  _ not _ your friends, your family. You  _ haven’t _ helped us all so much before, now please,  _ don’t  _ let us help you.”

“It shouldn’t be like that!” Deceit could hear the frustration in Logan’s voice. “I’m not supposed to be ‘liked,’ I’m not a likable person. I’m supposed to be useful, I’m Logic. If I’m not useful, or worse, an active impediment to useful work, then I’ve failed. These emotions I’m feeling shouldn’t impact me like this.” Logan started to shake “My job is logic. I’m supposed to be logical, I’m supposed to be intelligent and useful, and I’m not. I’m failing, I’m failing, and I’m not just failing I’m dragging attention from more important things to myself.” Logan was crying. Deceit carefully put his hand on Logan’s shoulder and when he didn’t pull away he wrapped four of his arms around Logan in a hug. Patton crept in the room and Logan glanced up. Patton was crying, but he looked confident and sure of himself.

“Logan, you’re important to all of us. Not because you’re logic, but because you’re Logan. We all love you.” Patton all but whispered.

“No, this is just for attention. I’m doing this all for attention, you shouldn’t care. Apathy should have never told you about the cuts.” Logan mumbled, looking to be only a few seconds from a complete breakdown. “I shouldn’t have let Deceit see me, I shouldn’t have let you convince me to change, I sh-shouldn't have let you change me b-back.” He started to stammer and dug his nails into his arms. Deceit used his free hands and pulled Logan’s hands away.

“Logan, you’re suicidal right now.” Patton said plainly, taking a few steps towards him. “You are not needy. You are a person, not just a function. You are an important part of our family. None of us want to lose you so please,  _ please  _ let us help you.” Patton begged, his voice sounding wet as he cried. Logan stared in silence for a long time, before he broke down sobbing.

“I’m sorry I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I-I don’t know w-what to do! I don’t know how to h-handle th-this!” He sobbed, no longer trying to hide his emotions. He wasn’t even sure how he could hide it anymore, and knew his family wouldn’t let him. “I just want to be useful, I don’t want to deal with these emotions anymore!” He sobbed in Deceit’s arms. Patton hesitated, but joined the hug as well. “I-I shouldn’t b-be like this! I shouldn’t be s-so, so, I don’t know! I d-don’t know how I’m f-feeling, I’m s-so used to not f-feeling at all!” He sobbed, and Patton felt his heart break.

“That  _ isn’t  _ a lie.” Deceit whispered softly. “You  _ haven’t  _ always felt emotions, you’ve just been repressing them. Let it out.” Logan didn’t respond, he just clung to Deceit and Patton tighter. Remus stood awkwardly until Patton beckoned him to join the hug pile. He wrapped his arms around everyone like an octopus until Logan’s sobbs evolved into sniffles. Both Patton and Remus leaned back a little but sat on the bed. Logan wiped his tears off his face and looked down in shame as he leaned away from Deceit.

“Logan, I need you to promise me something.” Patton said sternly but quietly. He placed a hand on Logan’s shoulder, which made him flinch. “I need you to promise you’re not going to shut us out again. It doesn’t have to be me, it can be Deceit or Remus, or Roman or Virgil or whoever, but you can’t keep this up. Repression doesn’t work, believe me.” Patton smiled gently, and watched Logan’s reaction carefully.

Logan bit back a sob before jumping at Patton in a hug. That startled the moral side but he quickly wrapped his arms around him. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I promise, I promise!” Logan cried. “I-I don’t want to f-feel like this, I just d-don’t know how to stop!” Patton rubbed Logan’s back gently as he made gentle shushing sounds.

“We’ll help you.” Patton promised “We’ll help you, just please don’t hide your emotions from us. We can’t help you if you don’t let us.” Logan just held him tighter.

“I promise, I p-promise. Just please don’t hate me.” Logan stammered out in desperation. Deceit wasn’t sure what to do but Patton spoke up.

“We could never hate you. We love you, all of you, your emotions included. We’re your famILY, remember? I-Love-You Logan. We all love you Logan.” Logan started to cry even harder, but they weren’t tears of sadness alone. They held sadness, but also relief, happiness, and stress. All the emotions he was trying to hide, trying to shove away and ignore, emerged through his tears. He cried and he cried in Patton’s arms, feeling safe and loved for the first time in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second to last huh guys? Well if you're this far into the story I hope you've enjoyed it. I'm going to be posting an angsty one shot soon, and another longer fic is in the making, which will be up soon. Comment your thoughts bellow, and I'll see all of you magnificent fuckers on Monday for the final chapter.


	8. To feel normal, to feel normal

“So wait, you’re telling me that Logan’s been depressed for who knows how long, went to the darkside to duck out, became Apathy instead, was changed back to Logan and tried to duck out again before falling unconscious for four days, and somehow during all this Deceit and Remus became light sides?” Thomas asked incredulously. Patton and Deceit sat on the couch in the real world after telling Thomas everything that happened. Deceit still felt awkward, not used to being in the real world for so long.

“That’s the gist of it kiddo.” Patton said with an uncharacteristic level of seriousness. 

“We  _ haven’t  _ made sure nothing dangerous is in his room and he  _ isn’t  _ going to see Dr. Picani when he’s physically better.” Deceit added. He was quite adamant on giving Logan a medical check after everything, and was glad he did. While sides couldn’t starve to death or anything there were certainly side effects, and Logan was dangerously underweight.

“How have I not noticed anything? I mean, don’t my sides directly effect me?” Thomas asked, his voice dripping with guilt.

“Well Logan is, er, was Logic. His purpose isn’t emotions so you weren’t affected.” Patton explained.

“Wait, was? As in past tense?” Thomas asked nervously, wringing his hands as he spoke. “What’s Logan now?” Deceit pulled out a vial with a dark blue liquid inside.

“This  _ isn’t  _ logic, it  _ isn’t  _ Logan’s essence separated from him.” Deceit held the vial in the light and Thomas fought the urge to grab it from Deceit’s hands. Deceit, being his self-preservation as well, noticed Thomas’s sudden panic. “ _ Do  _ worry, the vial  _ isn’t  _ unbreakable.”

“So is that a part of Logan? Is he incomplete? Won’t that hurt him even more?” Thomas asked, accidentally summoning Virgil as he started to panic.

“I knew this wouldn’t go well.” Virgil mumbled from his seat on the stairs.

“Not at all! It’s just his effect on you, but it doesn’t actually harm him. I don’t think the rest of us could do something like that but Logan is intelligence, so he could just bottle up your knowledge and seperate it from himself.” Patton reassured the others.

“Well what will happen to Logan then? I don’t want him to fade away or anything.”

“ _ Do  _ worry, we’re  _ not  _ just waiting for Logan to be a little more… Stable first.” Deceit said nervously, looking around at the others in the room.

“I guess that makes sense.” Thomas mumbled, but Virgil looked upset.

“There are so many ways it could go wrong…” Virgil chimed in quietly, but quickly shut up when Thomas looked behind him.

“I-I would like to talk to Logan, alone please.” Thomas declared, his voice wavering but he sounded confident. The three others in the room froze.

“I’m not sure that’s the best idea kiddo. I don’t know how he’ll react.” Patton started nervously, biting his lip.

“No, I should talk to him. I want him to know I’m there for him. And… I need to see him for myself. I want to make sure he’s ok.”

“Well I think that’s an  _ awful  _ idea. Logan  _ doesn’t  _ need as much love and care as he can get and he  _ doesn’t  _ need to know Thomas cares.” Deceit said, then hesitated. “I  _ don’t  _ assume you’d like to talk to him alone?” Thomas thinks for a second before nodding.

“That would be best. Do you think you could leave so I can summon him?” Thomas requested. Virgil threw up a peace sign before ducking back into the mindscape. Patton hesitated, but flashed Thomas a shaky smile.

“Alright kiddo, I trust you.” He said before joining Virgil in the mindscape, leaving Deceit and Thomas alone.

“Deceit?” Thomas said nervously, noticing Deceit’s expression looked oddly pained.

“I  _ didn’t  _ mess up. I  _ should  _ have tried to help Logan by myself. This  _ isn’t  _ my fault.” Deceit whispered, his voice laced with remorse. He tried to keep it together, but Thomas noticed the silent tears that were leaking down his eyes.

“Hey, none of that.” Thomas gently scolded “Patton told me everything, and none of this was your fault.” Deceit looked up and Thomas could see how shaky he looked. “You calmed Logan down and was able to get him help. Maybe the Apathy plan didn’t work but things could have been so much worse if you weren’t there, both you and Remus. You helped keep Logan alive. Please don’t blame yourself.” Thomas begged as he stretched his arms out, inviting a hug. Deceit quickly jumped into his arms and squeezed for a few seconds before leaning away.

“I guess I  _ shouldn’t  _ go see Dr. Picani myself, huh?” Deceit mumbled as he wiped his tears away. “It  _ won’t  _ be good for me.” Thomas gave Deceit an encouraging smile, before he ducked back to the mindscape.

Thomas let out a sigh and rubbed his forehead. He was no expert at this, but he wasn’t going to leave Logan to try and figure this out by himself. Logan needed to know he was loved and cared for, not just as Logic but as Logan, as himself.

“Logan.” Thomas called as he summoned his logical side, his voice a deadly calm, but internally he was freaking out.

Logan popped up, and he did not look well. He clearly wasn’t Apathy anymore but he looked just as pale. His skin matched the color of the white bandages wrapped around his forearms, and Thomas could easily see how thin and gaunt he looked. His cheeks were hollow and there were dark bags under his eyes. His hair was also messy and pointed in all different directions, and if he wasn’t wearing his usual buttoned up shirt (Without a tie, Deceit said they were too dangerous at the moment) Thomas would have mistaken Logan for Virgil.

“Oh, Thomas, hello.” Logan’s voice was shaking, but his expression went flat. “I hope what’s happened in the mind has not affected you of late.” Logan’s voice had an obvious yet hidden layer of remorse to it, and it broke Thomas’s heart. Without hesitation Thomas leapt forward and wrapped his arms around Logan’s shoulders. Logan froze, his hands flailing by his side.

“I’m fine, I’m fine, don’t worry about that. I’m worried about you. How are you?” Logan buried his face into Thomas’s shoulder and wrapped his arms around Thomas’s waist. He fought the tears that tried to push forward, but Thomas noticed his shaking. “You can cry Logan, just let it out. No ones going to judge you, it’s just us. Let it out.” Thomas whispered softly, cupping Logan’s neck and swaying ever so slightly. 

Logan started to tear up as his gentle words. He silently sobbed into Thomas’s shoulder as Thomas hummed, feeling his tee-shirt get wet with Logan’s tears. He didn’t completely break down, but he cried for far longer than he’d be willing to admit.

Logan leaned back, away from Thomas’s hug. Thomas looked at him with pure kindness and Logan immediately wanted to apologize for wasting his time, but Thomas spoke before he could. “Do you want to sit down for a bit?” Thomas offered kindly as he took Logan by the elbow and escorted him to the couch, wrapping him up in Disney themed blankets that felt unbelievably soft.

“F-forgive me, I’ve been crying rather frequently th-these past few days. I-It’s usually much easier t-to control myself, b-but I’ve been struggling recently.” Logan apologized. He always wore a carefully crafted mask that he’s spent years perfecting, but becoming Apathy made it completely fall apart. Even if he could just throw his mask back on, he doubts it would work. His famILY was watching him far too closely, and even he wasn’t that good at hiding his emotions. Besides, he wasn’t sure he wanted things to go back the way they were, where he was hiding his emotions and seldom actually felt happiness, but it felt selfish for some reason.

“That’s not a bad thing Logan, sometimes you need to cry. And it seems like you’ve needed a good cry for a while.” Thomas was nothing but understanding, snuggling up closer to Logan and wrapping his arm around his shoulder.

“I… I don’t even know. Th-that’s weird isn’t it? It’s my job to know things, but I can’t even tell you why I feel like this. I don’t even know how to fix it.” Logan flinched at how winny he sounded.

“Well that’s alright. How about you just tell me how you feel? Maybe I can help you.” Thomas offered. Logan looked down and bit his lip. He didn’t want to bother Thomas with how he was feeling, he didn’t want to bother anyone. Thomas laced his fingers in Logans and snuggled even closer. “No one is able to do everything alone, sometimes you're going to need help and that's ok.” Logan hesitated, but took a shaky breath and started speaking.

“I feel… Guilty mostly. I feel like I’m bothering those I love, that I’m wasting their time somehow. I’m worrying everyone, but I don’t want them to worry. However… I’m also… relieved in a way, I think? I didn’t like hiding things from them either, but I hid my emotions for a reason. I think I’m just confused, which I shouldn’t be because I’m knowledge and I should know these things, which makes me feel like I’m a failure. That leads back to guilt, and I-I-I don’t know what to do!” Logan hid his face in his hands, and Thomas started to rub his back.

“Emotions are confusing to everyone Lo, and you can’t control them. There’s no reason to feel guilty for your emotions. We’re not going to leave you or abandon you for them.” Thomas’s voice was soft and reassuring.

“But you shouldn’t have to watch me, you shouldn’t have to waste your time-” Logan started, but was quickly cut off.

“Ok, stop right there. No one is forcing us to make sure you’re ok, no one is forcing us to help you. We do it because we love you, we do it because we care about you. You’re not a burden, you are a part of our family.” Thomas’s voice was kind but stern, leaving no room for argument. Logan looked up at him, his eyes wet with tears.

“You p-promise?” Logan’s voice was weak, but Thomas smiled widely at him anyway.

“I promise. Now what do you want to do? Do you want to watch a disney movie?” Thomas offered, pulling Logan into a hug.

“Th-that sounds g-good.” Logan sniffled, melting in Thomas’s arms. He was still nervous and he still felt guilty, but all that hardly seemed important. He rested his head on Thomas’s chest and felt his heartbeat. It was sure and strong, and so, so comforting. The movie played, but Logan could care less, quickly lulled to sleep by Thomas’s strong and sure heartbeat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here's the end. I hope you guys liked it, I personally think it's terrible, but hey, I think everything I do is terrible. If you're this far you probably enjoyed (No idea why) but if you did I have a few more works if you'd like to check those out. I'm almost finished with another short fanfiction with more angst Logan cause eeeeeeeeveryone seems to love that. Bye! I hope you enjoyed the fanfic you magnificent fuckers!
> 
> Edit: I just wanted to say I was panicking over AP tests when I wrote the description, and it kinda started to freak people out. Just wanted to specify that I am a.o.k! Though I thank all of you for your kind words and your worries. I'm good.

**Author's Note:**

> title and chapter titles are based off of the song Happy Pills by Weathers, yes I changed the title but I have not altered the work itself.


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